Office of the Ass Advocate

CT News Junk reports on an incredible legislative proposal for people who need to be able to use the crapper in retail stores.

Evidently there are horrible disorders where people spontaneously get bowel cramps and discharge diarrhea uncontrollably. They have names like "irritable bowel syndrome", "Crohn's Disease" and "ulcerative colitus." These are positively nasty illnesses, and I certainly don't wish them on anyone.

Advocates of the bill are seeking to force retail stores that don't have public restrooms to allow people who suffer from these kinds of illnesses to use their employee bathrooms. If you suddenly have to pound one out in a Target, they'd better toss open the door for you!

Alright... so now the possibility of soiling yourself while browsing at Ann Taylor is a serious enough issue where the government needs to step in.

The question I have is, how do you establish that you are one of these people who have a gastrointestinal disorder and would be permitted this special access under the law? Does the state issue you a Gastrointestinal Distress ID card? Perhaps, to protect the rights of these people, we need an Office of the Ass Health Advocate. I can only imagine the parking pass you would get issued!

Look, I have sympathy for these people, but if I had these problems, I would either slap on a diaper when I had to shop, or shop on the Internet on my laptop while I was sitting on the bowl. I would most certainly NOT cross my legs at The GAP, wave my Gas/Ass ID card in front of the clerk's face and demand admittance to foul up the employee restroom.

But I guess it's not a new concept. According to the piece in News Junk, this legislation floated around the Capitol for a couple years and stands a chance of being passed this year.