Thursday, May 7, 2009

Power to the Pooper

The State House of Representatives evidently PASSED a bill last evening which I have discussed before... the Office of the Ass Advocate Bill.

This bill requires business establishments to grant access to their non-public restrooms to any customers who "presents written evidence from a licensed health care provider (physician, physician assistant, advanced practice registered nurse) that documents that the customer suffers from an “eligible medical condition” (such conditions are Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, inflammatory bowel disease, irritable bowel syndrome, celiac disease, or a medical condition requiring use of an ostomy device)."

I can just imagine the colitis sufferer who is stricken with an acute attack of hot corn mud while perusing the slender-fit denims in The GAP, rifling through their belongings to produce "written evidence" from a physician so the clerk can let the customer go blow up their employee john.

Women will not benefit from this legislation. Have you ever seen a woman try to produce anything from their purse with speed? I have sat in my vehicle behind women who take twenty minutes to extricate their ATM card from their purse full of garbage at the bank. Can you imagine one with their legs crossed trying to find their doctor's inflammatory bowel note to show a cashier? They'll have done a diaper pie before they can locate it.

Apparently there was some MOVING testimony on this bill during the committee process... stories of individuals who were humiliated with bad experiences when they were not admitted to a bathroom by some store clerk. I can't imagine that could possibly be more humiliating than getting up in front of a legislative committee and the general public, where your words will be transcribed and preserved for all eternity, and telling them how one day you shit your pants at the Banana Republic.

As absurd as all this is, the bill actually costs taxpayers $95,000 per year during a budget crisis when we were promised that any bill that costs money would, in the words of Senate President Don Williams, would be "dead on arrival." Apparently a special investigator would have to be hired by the Department of Consumer Protection to handle complaints of those not admitted to bathrooms. This would be the Office of the Ass Advocate.

Democrats this session haven't done a lot to help the economy, fix the deficit, or bring jobs back to the state. But it's reassuring to know they want to hire someone to make sure you don't mess your pants at the 7-11.

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